Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-08-26T09:02:55-05:00 2 daily Very exciting gravel giveaway - about 1/2 yard http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/813539095.html Well its about to happen again...it's going to snow and it will cover the gravel pile in my driveway. I will then be fooled into thinking that I or my wife was too lazy to totally push the snow out of the driveway and cleverly left piled it kind of out of the way. Not this year! No stinking way! For I am taking action and going the distance! I am saying to the whole world via this posting on craigslist that the pile of gravel is up for grabs! Hey, are you the right person for free gravel? Things to consider: -Moving gravel is a great work-out. I'm big and strong today thanks to my gravel moving routine. -Kids love gravel. I am constantly telling all sorts of kids to get away from my gravel/snow pile. SHOO! -Go Green. Go gravel. -Women love gravel. I often look out the window to see my wife looking over the gravel pile and shaking her head in amazement. -Gravel has staying power. Its has stayed in my drive way for two years! -Food and drink taste better after moving gravel. There are more considerations, obviously. But you also need to know that the gravel that will allow to finally finish that project and one-up your neighbors before fall comes is located at: [ ADDRESS DELETED] Bring a shovel, your vehicle and all the excitemt you can muster! It's gravel! Thank you. <img src="813539095.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: St. Paul <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-26T09:02:55-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/813539095.html Very exciting gravel giveaway - about 1/2 yard text To the Minotaur that lives above me. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/733317143.html First off, I must say that I admire your courage. It must be hard living in the world today as a lady-beast. Society judges, oh lord do they ever. With that said, lets get down to business. Over the past year, we've had a funny sort of relationship, you and I. When I first moved into the place, it was rather peaceful. It was an exciting time in my life, as it was the first time I would be living by myself. Then came the day that I first heard it. What did I hear you ask? It was sound of your hooves galloping across the hardwood floors of your living room. At the time I thought, No big deal, surely it cant always be like this. Oh was I wrong. It turned out that every time I was at home, you would be up there, stomping around, like the wild lady-beast that you are. After a few weeks, I determined through a process of elimination, that you are in fact, a Minotaur. It only makes sense. FACT. Minotaurs have hooves, and thats sure as hell what it sounds like is hitting the floor when you gallop around. FACT. A Minotaur posses great strength, the kind of strength that can be felt by a guy laying on his couch, trying to get into a good book. The kind of strength that shakes the dishes in his cupboards. The kind of strength that can wake a guy out of a dead sleep, EVERY FRICKIN MORNING. I didnt even need to set an alarm clock to wake up in the morning. Instead I wake up to THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP. Im not a light sleeper by any means; I sleep right through the viscously loud police, fire truck, and ambulance sirens every night. I was lying there one morning, frustrated, counting the trips you took between your bedroom and your bathroom. 17. 17 god forsaken trips between the bedroom and the bathroom. Really? Are you kidding me? What could you possibly be doing? FACT. Minotaurs are half bull. Bulls are aggressive when taunted. Apparently, the time I went upstairs, politely introduced myself, and asked you rather nicely to please quit stomping around, was a taunt. Thats when you got aggressive. You called the landlord and told him that I was complaining about your noise. When he told me about this, he said his response to your complaint was, Quit making so much noise then. Brilliant. Go Mr. Landlord! I tried keeping him out of this, but you felt it important to drag him into it. After a few more weeks of you recklessly stomping around, I made another attempt at a civil confrontation. It failed. It failed because you stomped your way to the door, and you didnt open it when you saw who was standing there. I know this because I heard your hooves clippity-clop their way to the door. Way to avoid confrontation. To my surprise, the stomping ceased the next day, and I awoke to peace. Amazing, I thought, It must be a midsummer miracle!! A few days passed, and I ran into my landlord in the entry way. He mentioned that he received another angry phone call from you. Said that you felt threatened by my confrontations, said I scared you. Strange, since not once did I ever raise my voice or try to be anything but civil. He then mentioned that he told you to buy some slippers to wear around your apartment. Genius! It freakin worked!! Hell yea, Mr Landlord! High five! Fast forward 11 months. The stomping has returned. No doubt in my mind the hooves have worn through the delicate fabrics of the slippers and are now, once again, banging against your hardwood floors. Please, for the love of sweet baby jesus, run down to the local Target and purchase yourself another pair of hoof mufflers. I know you can run with those strong legs of yours, probably real fast like! Target downtown is all of 10 blocks away. Go Minotaur, go! Overcome the odds, society is watching! (and judging) <img src="733317143.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: downtown <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-26T10:36:11-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/733317143.html To the Minotaur that lives above me. text Free Tractor Tire! Yeah, a TRACTOR TIRE! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/703683551.html At some point, my roommate found a tractor tire and it followed him home. Well, maybe he rolled it home from a few blocks away. So, what we have here is a big ol' tractor tire. It stands about 5ft tall. It has holes drilled in the sidewalls so it won't collect water and become a mosquito breeding area. Things you can do with this tire include: -Make a sandbox (the kids will love it as much as the neighborhood cats) -Build a ramp in your back yard. Then have someone climb inside the tire and roll it down said ramp. (yes, this has been done. I got a concussion. I do not recommend trying this unless you like a pounding head) -Have on friend get inside the tire, have them hold on tight, and then have a second friend get in. Two average adults can fit inside it (while a couple more idiots hold it stable). Then have your idiot friends roll the tire until it hits something (again, you may become concussed), or until they stop the rolling pain machine. (I will not explain any more experience in this area) -You could even fill this agricultural masterpiece with dirt and make it a small garden/planter type contraption. (Sounds pretty, doesn't it?) -Finally, you can drive an old Jeep over it while whipping shitties in your back yard with two flat tires. (Yes, this was also done. Alcohol may need to be involved to accomplish this option) I really do have to recommend the sandbox as the best option, but that is up to your own discression. I take no liability in any way for injury, damage, expense, divorce, nights on the couch, etc, that this tire may cause. It has been a blast having it around, but the time has come to part ways with this beast. It is FREE. I will help you get it in the back of a truck or on a trailer. I will not deliver it. I will not help you tie it to the roof of your car, unless you absolutely want me to. Keep in mind, I'm ok with breaking things if I won't get beaten or taken to small claims court. This tire is big, heavy, and fun as hell. Please email if you have any interest in acquiring this beauty. The picture is recent. I'm not trying to pass off someone else's tire as my own, nor trying to hide that the tire has put on weight, or been deformed in an accident since taking the picture in a desperate attempt to unload her on an unsuspecting person in search of tire. I'm just not that type of guy. The picture was taken within minutes of creating this ad. Thanks for looking, and if my tire doesn't work out for you, I hope you find the tire of your dreams. Isn't that what we all deserve anyway? <img src="703683551.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Plymouth/Wayzata <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-01T14:29:52-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/703683551.html Free Tractor Tire! Yeah, a TRACTOR TIRE! text Update to Free Sod http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/679961155.html So here I sit no more than 5 hours after posting about having some free sod available and I thought I would repost with some of the interesting topics from the 30 plus emails which I have received. 1. I have no idea how many rolls of sod will fit in the back, front or on top of a Saab Hatchback, Saturn Coupe, or 2005 BMW. However, seeing sod loaded into a beamer intrigues me so please show up. 2. I am sorry, but the point of my listing this as a free item was to get rid of it, therefore I am unable to hold 3-5 rolls and keep them properly stored for you for "no more than two weeks" in case you need them. I thought offering to help you load the FREE SOD was pretty nice, but that is all the further I am willing to go. 3. When I made the joke about selling grass, that apparently wasn't clear to many people. Just so we are on the same page I am offering the type of grass which I would assume would either give you a headache from smoking, kill you from the chemicals it has been treated with, or most likely do nothing at all. Some people really didn't seem to be all that clear as to whether or not the item offered was illegal. I assure you it is completely legal to grow, possess, and sell (which I assume includes getting it for free) 4. I was astounded at the number of women who are in the market for free sod. As a quasi single man (don't ask) this really got my mind going and I am now considering ripping up my entire lawn and starting some sort of yardcare dating service. Something about a woman who not only wants her yard to look nice but also wants it for free is a bit of a` turn on (this is the only sarcasm free line in this post). Well, thats all. As for now all the sod is still here. Several people have offered to come and get it but no one has shown up yet. I am sorry i haven't replied to the last dozen people who inquired but I felt that those who replied first should get first dibs. And a big thanks to Tanya for emailing me to say that my first post made her day!!! <ul> <li> Location: SW Mpls <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-05-14T01:52:48-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/679961155.html Update to Free Sod text Planned parenthood - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/590646068.html You are a stunning girl in your early 20's you have short black hair and striking blue eyes. You were wearing skinny jeans and a dark grey coat, you had a sexy lip ring in the middle of your luscious lips and large blue earrings. I thought you winked at me out of the corner of my eye, but I'm not sure. I was waiting in the lobby with my ex to see if she was preggers but it's ok cuz shes not. Please respond.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Minneapolis by rainbow <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-28T22:53:44-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/590646068.html Planned parenthood - m4w text BOX OF 60+ DOLL HEADS!!!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/589248160.html Please tell me why I paid for these? Or better yet, TAKE THEM! I think I thought I was going to do some kind of art project, but really, I love Courtney Love and all, but I am SO over these doll parts. Please come get them! All kinds! Some doubles! <img src="589248160.1.jpg"> <img src="589248160.2.jpg"> <img src="589248160.3.jpg"> <img src="589248160.4.jpg">  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Powderhorn <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-27T19:16:28-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/589248160.html BOX OF 60+ DOLL HEADS!!!!! text To the Woman who maced me - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/475176589.html I saw you jogging around the lake and followed you to Dunn brothers. I was trying to work up my courage to get out of my van and go into Dunn brothers but you were only inside for 30 minutes. As you left the coffee shop I followed you slowly as you walked up the block. I think you got nervous when I hit the garbage cans that some jerk left on the boulevard! I guess I did hop the curb, but still, they were pretty close to the street. Anyways, I watched you start to run and I wanted to explain what happened, you started screaming for help as I tackled you, whats with the screaming anyways? And why do women always scream when I try to talk at them? Anyways, thats when I got a face full of mace...that was three days ago, and I was just released from the jail. I was hoping you could meet me and possibly drop the charges.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-10T20:43:54-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/475176589.html To the Woman who maced me - m4w text Considering a pet from rescue? Note to adopters http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/433860243.html Note to adopters Lassie, Cleo, Rin Tin Tin and Toto don't show up in rescue. We don't get the elegantly coiffed, classically beautiful, completely trained, perfectly behaved dog. We get the leftovers. Dogs that other people have incompetently bred, inadequately socialized, ineffectively "trained," and badly treated. Most Rescue dogs have had it. They've been pushed from one lousy situation to another. They've never had proper veterinary care, kind and consistent training, or sufficient company. They've lived outside, in a crate, or in the basement. They're scared, depressed and anxious. Some are angry. Some are sick. Some have given up. But we are Rescue and we don't give up. We never give up on a dog. We know that a dog is a living being, with a spirit and a heart and feelings. Our dogs are not commodities, things, or garbage. They are part of sacred creation and they deserve as much love and care and respect as the next Westminster champion. So please, please don't come to rescue in the hopes of getting a "bargain," or indeed of "getting" anything. Come to Rescue to give, to love, to save a life -- and to mend your own spirit. For Rescue will reward you in ways you never thought possible. I can promise you this -- a rescue dog will make you a better person.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: everywhere <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-09-27T15:37:19-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/433860243.html Considering a pet from rescue? Note to adopters text RARE Left-hand strung piano http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/413152288.html This piano is one of only a handful (probably the left hand full) that were built with the high notes "al sinistra" (on the left end) and low notes "al rechta" (on right). These pianos were originally built to be sold in southern hemisphere countries where, because of the perceived "backward" spin of the earth, audio vibrations travel in a counter-clockwise direction. The reversed placement of the treble and bass keys allows pianists from these southern nations to play northern European piano literature without having to relearn the notes. It does require that the score be transfered to onion skin vellum, laid in reverse on a copy machine and photocopied in reverse so that the music flows from right to left on the page. Several collections of reverse-hand piano literature might be found on yAbe (the southern hemisphere internet auction site, based in Australia.) This instrument is one of the rare ones located in the U.S. It would fit well in a left-handed house, where right-hand pianos tend to stick out into traffic flow and look out windows with not necessarily the best views. You will need to reverse the hinges on the front door of houses in order for the left-handed piano to fit through the opening and fit around the corner to the parlor. Instructions for this re-hinging process can be found at owa_tajur_kayam.org.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: (Somewhere out there) <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-09-03T19:53:54-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/413152288.html RARE Left-hand strung piano text i love cat puke http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/312107726.html After an 11-hour shift at work today, i just want to go home and relax. My cats wait for me by the door and yell for food. I crack open a can of 9Lives and split it 50/50 in bowls for them. Cat #1 is a hog and finishes his half first. *one minute passes* Like a nuclear reactor meltdown, cat #1 pukes all of his half back into his bowl, licks his chops and saunters away. Mission accomplished, everything is fine. *one more minute passes* Cat #2 finishes his half, repositions himself in front of Cat #1's bowl, and eats all of Cat #1's regurgitation as well. Chops are licked. *one more minute passes* Cat #2 volcanoes half of his stomach back into the same bowl. Cat #1, probably wondering now why he is still hungry, goes and eats Cat #2's fresh spew (which contained Cat #1's original blowout). It is somewhat surreal, as there is no left over cat puke, and the cats act as if nothing happened. In one way or another, dinner has been served.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> <li>License info: </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-14T21:48:15-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/312107726.html i love cat puke text Operation Heavenly Hogpile - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/311389629.html Calling all BBWs and SSBBWs! Help make a dream come true! This is America, god damn it, and I'm an American, and there is no reason in the world why my freakiest fantasy can't be fulfilled. I recently sold my pool table in my rec room to make space for Operation Heavenly Hogpile. I covered the floor with 6 layers of foam padding, and 1/4" rubber shower liner on top. I've got 3 cases of baby oil, half a dozen strap-ons and several days' worth of classic bluegrass music piped through a kick-ass sound system. I've even prearranged to have Dominoes deliver buffalo wings, pizza, and cheesy bread every hour all weekend. All I need is 8-12 big (BIG!) lovely ladies to join the fun. Get naked, get oiled up, consume what you want, wrestle around, make a great big tangle of jiggly womanhood. I want to roll around on a cellulite sea and stick it in every hole, crevice and fold you've got. Applicants must be prepared to remove every hair on their bodies, including head hair. Eyebrows are ok, but not a single follicle anywhere else. If you're not heavy enough to get fucked in a fold of elbow fat, don't bother responding. If you're over 18, have a minimum BMI of 35, and are ready for the best fucking time of your life, send me a photo. Google 'calculate BMI' to find out yours if you don't know it. God bless.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Twin Cities <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-13T16:13:47-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/311389629.html Operation Heavenly Hogpile - m4w text My cat is a free loader http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/303539269.html Seriously, my cat is taking advantage of me. I had to pay a special visit to Petco earlier today for more cat food. Petco's honest slogan should be "It's where your money goes." I'm more than a little ticked off that my cat expects me to provide her with cat food that costs $10.49 (before taxes) per 3.5 lb bag. She turns her nose to any cheap stuff I've ever brought home and she sees right through my lies. "Oh the store was out of your regular brand, but the clerk there told me that Brand X is actually the SAME food as your regular brand." Yes, I lied to my cat, and she saw right through the BS. That coupled with the vet's recommendation that the expensive stuff is better for the cat has convinced my wife that we (I) should only buy the special food. I tried to convince both my wife and my cat that the cat doesn't have very refined taste buds. I mean, she eats flies. She licks her ass in lieu of toilet paper. That and she contributes nothing financially to the house (the cat, not my wife). And, she's a friggin' cat; she shouldn't get a household vote. The cat's now reading over my shoulder... one second please. I think she suspects something. Okay, so the cat also doesn't seem to care about anything I'm doing. I'll be reading the paper, and she'll plop her cat's ass dead center of the page and look at me as if I've gotten in her way. Or maybe I'm stealing a few moments of silence in the bathroom when all of a sudden there's a furry arm being jammed under the door. Are you kidding me? Give me a minute. You don't even shit in here anyway. Next time you do that I'm going to duct tape your little arm to the linoleum. Maybe you'd let me crap in peace then. Damnit, she's back. Shhh. She just had to remind me that she's shedding and that I should brush her. Okay where was I... flies, ass licking, duct taping, brushing, bathroom door banging... Oh yeah, so this cat eats better than I do. I'm too lazy to do the math, but I'd guess that the food I just put in her dish cost more than my lunch today. My lunch didn't even come with gravy, but it was chicken flavored. Discussing my eating habits are for another time though. Oh jeez... she's staring at me now. Not really at me, but past me at the window behind me. I just know she wants me to think there's something or someone outside the window, but I'm not going to play that game. I will win this grudge match. I'm going to stare back at her 'til she blinks. Apparently that's supposed to be a sign of my dominance. She doesn't play fairly though, because her eyes just got wide and she did a little crouch thing. Maybe there IS someone outside the window behind me. NO, don't think that. She's bluffing. Blink, you damn cat. Ha, she looked away. I win, I win, I win. Play it cool, no need to gloat. Okay, now that I think about it, I believe my cat is a bully as well. She just fucks with me every chance she gets. This cat must get off knowing that I'm her personal servant and she can throw up on the carpeting or piss over the side of her litter box and I'll have to clean it up. Perhaps it's retribution for cutting her claws off or having her ovaries removed. Whatever it is, I'm no longer a cat owner. I'm the one who's owned. People used to believe that cats caused insanity. I think they may have been on to something.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-31T01:42:54-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/303539269.html My cat is a free loader text An Open Letter to the Guy riding a High-Bike http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/282079400.html Dear Guy on a Really High Seated Bike, Why must you ride your high seated bike around town? Will not a normal bike do? Are you looking for attention? Did your parents not hold you enough as a baby? Perhaps you want to join the circus. Guy seated on a really high bike. What moves you so to ride perched so high in the sky? Is it you wanting to look down in disdain at the people below? And how do you seat yourself on such a high mount? Need you a ladder? A jetpack? What happens when you stop? I despise you on-a-high-seated-bike man. You attention-seeking cyclist. You do not amuse me. You do not amaze me. I am not fascinated by your high bike. I ignore you. If I had a stick, I would stick it in your spokes. Oh, then how you would fly -- an Icarus on wheels, traveling too close to the sun. And what glee would shine upon me, when I witnessed you tumbling down to the Earth below.  <img src=282079400.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Uptown <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-02-20T23:24:02-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/282079400.html An Open Letter to the Guy riding a High-Bike text Rant: To the morons I encounter everyday http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/263193497.html To the morons I encounter everyday- 1. To the old lady in line in front of me at Target who smells like cat piss: Please don't pay for $25 worth of shit with a bag of change to only find out you're $2.55 short. Also, don't ask the cashier to re-count it. He already had more patience than I would have to count all those freaking pennies the first time around. How hard is it to go to the bank a block down the road to cash all of that in and pay with cash like normal people? I know they do it, I've seen it. 2. To the people at Rainbow who can't seem to figure out how to use the self checkouts: Jesus H. I've watched 7 year olds do it without any issues. Scan your shit, place it on the scale, and insert money. They even have directions in numerous places on how to use it. 3. The dude who absolutely has to do his scratch offs on the counter when he buys them at the gas station. Is your gambling addiction that bad that you can't get the fuck out of the way and scratch them off? You lose twice if you win and ask for more, while holding up the line even longer. 4. The jackasses at the gas station that just walk in and hand the cashier $20 for gas regardless of the line. Yes I know it is a pain that you have to prepay for gas, but there's a simple concept called a line. Wait your turn. 5. To the fat women who can't control your kids in the grocery store: Control your kids for god's sake. I seriously question your parenting skills when your kids feel the need to chase around the entire store knocking shit off all over the place and running into my legs while you sit there and laugh your fat ass off. 6. To the people who bring their 2 year olds to nice resteraunts: I understand baby-sitters can be expensive and kids can be hard to handle sometimes, but don't bring screaming kids to a nice restrunt and just sit there while they pitch a fit. I would like to be able to finish my steak without rupturing my eardrums. Also, don't give me a shitty look when I give you one. You know you're in the wrong. 7. Related to number 6, the people who bring their kids to rated R movies at 11pm. Myself and the 40 other people in the theater would like to enjoy the movie instead of listening to your kid scream. Take the little shit out of the theater. Why are they there in the first place? Most kids are put to bed before 10pm anyways. Get a babysitter you cheap fuck. And again, don't get all pissy when people tell you to shut your kid up or give you bad looks. 8. To the dude who lives on the other side of my duplex: Quit being a prick. You can do some of the yard work and snow shoveling as well. Also, get your washing machine fixed. It sounds like you're working on a tank in the basement. If you don't wanna get it fixed, at least stop washing your clothes at 5am. The fucking floor shakes. If you continue, I'll start drumming at 2am or blast the loudest, most foul death metal I own until you stop. The next time you lock me outside, I'll shit in a box and mail it to you. If you hear me go outside (there's no way you can't) and see me in the backyard, don't shut and lock the door. Please stop telling my friends that I'm not home when they knock on the door. I'm fucking here, or they wouldn't be coming over. It isn't like I can't hear you talking to them before I open my door. I'll tell your pot dealer the next time he knocks that you don't live here anymore. Stop opening my mail if you accidentally get it. How hard is it to read a label? Clean out your cat's litter box. I can smell that shit from the hallway. On that thought, what in the hell are you cooking over there? It smells like burnt Indian food. Quit accusing me of fucking up your computer to our landlord. Do you seriously believe I broke into your side of the house, ran upstairs, turned on your computer, and screwed up all of your passwords all in a period of 2 minutes while you were in the basement? Jesus Christ. Ray Charles could see through that shit. Grow the fuck up, you're like 55. 9. To the pricks who keep trying to break into my garage: Fuck you. There isn't anything of interest in there anyway, unless you want a shovel or a rake. Get a job like normal people. I hope someone shoots you when you break into the wrong garage or house. If you feel the need to steal something out of there, take my neighbors shit. His stuff is on the left side of the garage. 10. To the high schooler douche bags who drive like shit on the highway: Your rice burner looks like shit, at least paint your mod parts when you put them on your shitty car. Please stop riding my ass when I'm already going 85mph, I'll just go slower when you pull that shit. I hope you crash into a retaining wall. 11. To the bible thumpers who harass people outside of metal concerts: Go do something productive, like volunteering at a food shelter. No one there wants to hear you drone on about how we're all going to hell for listening to metal. You're just making normal Christians look bad. I'll steal your bible next time and carve satanic symbols into it. 12. To the fucktards that beat your wives/girlfriends: Its painfully obvious when you're walking around a store with a girl who has 2 black eyes while you yell at her for everything she puts in the cart. You'll get your turn one day. 13. To the group home for slutty teen girls that is across the alley from my house: Stop parking your huge vans in front of my driveway. It takes me 10 minutes to try and back my car out without hitting something. Also, quit blocking the alley with said vans. Other people need to use the fucking road. 14. To the jackasses with large vehicles/SUV's: There is enough room in a parking space to place your vehicle without putting it 2 inches from my door. I'll key your truck the next time I have to crawl into my car from the passenger side. 15. To the people who stop in the middle of the road in front of Target to let your wives/girlfriends into the car. Its a nice thing to do, but if you have 2 carts worth of shit to load up, do it without stopping traffic. 16. To the people who don't understand how 4 way stop signs work: Who the hell taught you how to drive? Don't honk your horn at me when you cut me off and throw me the finger. 17. To the people who get pissed at the cashier when their credit card is rejected: You obviously have finance issues if all 15 of your credit cards get rejected. It isn't the cashier's fault. 18. To the underage girls at the liquor store: Don't get all uppity when the cashier asks for your ID when you try and buy some shitty flavored Vodka. You're obviously not 21. The whole "I forgot my ID, can I just buy it anyway" shtick isn't a new concept. Be more inventive than that, I figured it out. Plus, don't ask me to go back in and buy it for you when you get kicked out. Most people werent born yesterday.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-01-15T17:46:56-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/263193497.html Rant: To the morons I encounter everyday text Please Hear My Prayer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/232509284.html Dear Jesus, I want to believe in you and your miraculous powers, I really do. I was raised in a devout Catholic home, and as long as I remember have been hearing about your divine nature and limitless compassion. You turned water into wine, healed lepers, and even raised the dead. I know you have boundless abilities. I also know that your compassion compels you to assist those who suffer, and to hear their agonized prayers. I have been ceaselessly praying to you for over three years now Jesus, yet still my prayer remains unanswered. Please tell me: Why wont you run over my co-worker Renee with an 18 ton cement truck? Every day is another eternity of listening to Renee talk about her mildly retarded, morbidly obese child and her husbands swollen testicles and ass-boils. I am suffering beyond the point of endurance my Lord. Please make manifest your divine Love and Grace by sending a cement truck of mercy to squash Renee flat in all your love and wisdom. Thank you in advance -   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Pency Prep <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-09T14:59:35-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/232509284.html Please Hear My Prayer text My Butt Hurts http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/198670874.html What the hell happened to my butthole Let me start here... Sunday evening I was starting to get my wits back. You see I had been drinking like a sailor on a 2 day the night before. This really has nothing to do with what happened next (or does it??). I was about to throw a pair of sweats on and sink into a lazyboy to watch a little Entourage when I feel (and hear) my stomach rumble. Oh yeah, I guess last nights drinking has finally decided to catch up with me. The gurgle was enough to trigger a brisk walk to my salvation area. Yes the bathroom. I call it this because I have young children and sometimes I'll even fake having to take a duker just to get a little 10 minute "its all about me" rest. Pathetic, yes I know...but you get your small slices of joy where you can. I digress, I storm throught the bathroom door and actually struggle a little to get the boxer-briefs down in time for an explosive havanna omelette (copyright Craigslist). I mean it is loud, eratic, and extremely smelly. I am in mid-shit actually considering if I will have to do a quick toilet brush swipe when this is all over. The thing that is different from the Sunday evenings past is that this particual movement actually has an itchy kind of burning sensation. Nothing to be alarmed about at this point, but just a little tougher on the old ass pipe than usual. I complete the act with little trouble and I gotta tell ya, my belly feels nothing but sweet, sweet relief. I wad up a little extra paper from the full roll next to me in antipipation of some extra TLC and a potential "finger-poke-through" (you cant be too careful) and begin a deliberate wipe. HOLY GOD! Its like I just wiped my ass with a broken beer bottle! What the hell happened. A "roid" oh God dont let it be a roid...a polyp..I dont even know what that is. Is it some kind of venomous insect that found its way into my underwear and bit me? I decide its best to grab a little lotion from the toiletries stand next to the thrown and apply it liberally to the paper before each wipe. WOW, this feels much nicer. Repeat this step 3 or 4 times until I'm sure there is nothing to blow into my underwear later and I get up. I think about a shower, but I dont wanna miss my show. Nothing else to report at this point. Monday - Get up and go to work. Cup of Joe and a smoke. Instand laxitive. I go into the work head. HOLY GOD its back! My ass is on fire. Like I just sat on a ground nest of yellow jackets. I wipe a tear from my eye and begin a wipe that would bring an Ultimate Fighter to his knees. Holy Fuck how bout the boss coughing up for some 3 ply instead of this $5 per case freezer paper. Tuesday - See Monday (I actually look down to see if somebody put a cactus in the bowl) Wednesday - See Tuesday Thursday - After my Joe and Smoke I am considering hold it as long as I can. I make it about an extra 1/2 hour and my knees and chest hurt so I surrender - See Wednesday Today (Friday) - On my way in to the office, I am worried and actually thinking about what I can potentially rub on my ass before my Joe and Smoke to ensure an easier delivery. Butter! I think there's butter in the work fridge. What better natual lubricant? This will definitely dull the shards of glass that will soon be piercing my lower regions. When I get here I go right for the cooler, throw open the door and grab the old Oleo. What the hell am I doing. Its come to this? Am I an animal or some sicko..could you imagine somebody walking in during application? Or worse my guilt after putting this back in the Kenmore when I'm finished. Thats just wrong. I decide against it. Before my Joe and Smoke, I actually feel a rumble. Lets get it on. Now I'm just pissed. I head into the latreen (sp?) and let 'er fly. I havent been this scared since Poltegiest in the theater when I was 9. That was a PG movie?? I'm off-track..sorry. Nothing...no pain...no tear...no horror. Just the regualr ol shot gun full of pudding against the back of the bowl. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hope its really over. What the hell was that anyway?  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-08-25T09:18:55-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/198670874.html My Butt Hurts text The HORROR http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/181913550.html I am a thirty-something who recently went back to college to finish my degree. Imagine my dismay when I walked in to that first classroom, and realized all the desks are made for jr. high students. You know the type; a chair with a platform for your books to rest on. Well, I am not a junior high student. I am the guy fat people hang around with when they want to look thin. I dont just take a seat, I have to wedge myself in, and tuck my belly under the platform for the books. Generally, I can only get about one cheek on the chair. One morning in class, after a night of cheap beer and tacos, I had a rumbling in my bowels that told me I had one massive fart brewing. I was trying to decide if I should try and hold it, or do a one cheek sneak and let it out, when my uptight, prim and proper professor called on me to answer a question. This is the worst timing in the world for this. I am trying to concentrate on the question at hand, while the rumbling in my gut turns into a legion of butt demons doing a whirling dervish in my colon, screaming for release. Then it happened: a chorus of ass-trumpet loud enough to bring down the walls of Jericho. I farted so hard it hurt. There was a burning/itching sensation that made me think I blew out my sphincter for good. The noise was amplified by the hard wooden seat on the desk. After the echoes died down, I looked up at my professor. She had a look on her face I will never forget. It was a look of complete shock, disgust, and revulsion. And then the horror. The HORROR. I started.Laughing! Not just a chuckle or giggle, were talking, wild-hysterical-stop or Ill pee myself laughter. And the more I laughed, the more I farted. By this point, there was a cloud of butt bouquet so thick you could taste it. Eyes tearing.nose burning.belly hurts from laughingI had to get out of there. I needed an obscure corner of the world to curl up and die of embarrassment in. To make my humiliation complete, as I stood up and tried to extricate my gargantuan buttocks from the little desk, I got stuck. The desk was pasted to my ass like a bug on a windshield. I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS!!!   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around A personal hell <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-14T09:12:31-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/181913550.html The HORROR text To My Fellow Passengers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/165015803.html I cant believe you didnt fucking tell me there was a huge fucking bug on my back for the whole bus ride home. What the fuck? Seriously. What. The. Fuck. I apologize for the profanity, but really, what else can you say when there are Giant Flying Biting Black Bugs involved? So Im riding home from work with all the other home-from-work passengers. Its a warm day and the windows are down. Im listening to my discman (its true, Im less than hip). Contemplating not a heckuva lot more than what my tired eyes can see outside my window. Then I feel it. A tiny bit of movement on my neck. I move to adjust the cord of my headphones and its gone. Its a breezy day, probably just got jostled around a bit, right? A few minutes later, it moves again. So I pat around back there and feel something with a slightly crunchy character to it. Then nothing. But no one sitting behind me says a word. It must just be my dang headphones again. The third time I feel it, Im a little unsettled. I turn around and look on the seat, pat around on my back, but find nothing. And the woman seated DIRECTLY BEHIND me seems to be unfazed. Im clearly imagining things. People would break the Bus Code of Silence if there was anything bug-like involved, right? The fourth time (yes, FOURTH) I move quickly. I swat at the tiny crunchy footsteps on the back of my neck and feel a little bite. I swat again and bam! There it is. A 3-inch black bug with wings and little feelers and little legs is sitting next to me on the seat. I look at it. It does not look at me. I do not take my eyes off it for the rest of the ride home, but when I get up to leave I shoot a glare at the cluster of people sitting behind me that felt it was unnecessary to inform me that a Giant Flying Biting Black Bug was crawling all over my neck for 20 minutes. Thanks, you uptight chumps. Can't even open your goddam mouth to save a fellow human being from being trampled on by a bug?  <img src=165015803.jpg>  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around the #3 <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-26T15:46:19-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/165015803.html To My Fellow Passengers text I horked on your tits. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/163863027.html Me: Tall, dark, (I'm told) handsome. I vomited a little bit of home brew down your blouse. You said, "Cute." You: Cleavage covered in my vomit. I think we had a moment. Call me?  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around Herkimers <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-23T12:49:03-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/163863027.html I horked on your tits. - m4w text Rant: Boob Sweat http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/150101528.html dont give me that sneer of self righteous disgust. you know exactly what im talking about and if you dont, its because your sweating habits even more repulsive regions, like your ass crack. dont lie, asshole. we know about your swamp ass. minneapolis got its first taste of spring today. and were loving it. theres something about moping through cavernous skyways all winter because, yes, it really is that cold, that makes us all the more frenzied when the sun finally rears its pretty face. our pupils dilate and pulses quicken. we strap on our rollerblades, dig up last summers running shoes, fill a cooler with beer and light up the grill. mouths water and palms grow moist as we realize that yes, spring is finally here. i woke this morning, verified the forecast on my weatherbug and cast an elated grin at the blue sky as i raised my blinds. i skipped to the closet, threw back the doors and gazed adoringly at my favorite part of spring 2006, a bright turquoise tank top from the generra couture collection. but just as i reached for the hanger, i felt it. wetness. in horror, i looked down to see the steaming beads of sweat plotting silently beneath my breasts. yes, they were scheming to unite and form a pool of such unpleasantry that it manages to somehow render unsexy one of the most feminine and attractive areas of my body. fuck you, boob sweat.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-04-10T21:07:44-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/150101528.html Rant: Boob Sweat text Cancer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/141810192.html You know what sucks? Cancer. I hate it. See, while technically 'cancer free' for the past several months, I still feel the effects of $236,000 in treatment. I'm only 29, but I get out of breath so easily, exercise is so tough. It's a pure hell to me. I mean all I had was Non-hodgkins lymphoma. That's the Cancer you want to pick if someone says "You have to get cancer, now pick one". 8 months of having toxic chemicals pumped through my veins... A catheter in my heart... A scar and 3 tattoos to remind me about what I went to, though I can't ever forget. My biggest downfall is I handle it all in stride outside. When I was rushed to the HCMC ER, almost unable to breathe, a tumor the size of a dinner plate inter-twined around my heart and lungs, pressing against them.. I thought I had pneumonia. After all, for a month or so I had the sniffles, a cough, a weird rash on my arms and horrible horrible night sweats. I'd easily miss 2 day sof work a week, so tired I cant move. The doctors, well several oncologists, enter the room and quietly tell me I have cancer. I think they expected me to freak out when I simply looked at them calmly and said "Ok. Let's take care of it". And I think it bothered them a tad when I made the joke "Hey, at least I'll lose some weight now!". But I didn't. The prednisone steroid made me nauseous, so I had to eat a little bit all the time. The chemo destroys any fast dividing cells, like taste buds, so cherry laffy taffy became my comfort food (And I have yet to eat it since I got better!). I think I destroyed a really good relationship that occurred at the wrong time, with a woman I love very deeply. Radiation wasn't bad. In fact, compared to 6 hours in the Oncology unit for chemo it was a breeze - 15 mins and out. Quick and painless. Free parking. Good deal. It's been months, and I'm still so tired. My sleep schedule is destroyed - I'm up 40 hours, then sleep 18. Or maybe I'll be in bed by 10 every night this week. Or maybe not. I want to exercise, but it's so hard - I can do so little. And at 6'1", 280 lbs I look like I should do a lot more. More then being winded by half a flight of stairs. It also sucks, because I don't know who I can talk to about it. People think it's so hard... It wasn't, it's just a different struggle... But they hear the C word and think the worse... I never thought I was going to die. I found out later I was a week tops from dying from my tumor.. But I just knew it wasn't my time. I remember saying that to my girlfriend, tears welling up in my eyes... It's not my time. It's not my time. But the results, the shell of a man I'm left with.. Maybe I did die. Maybe emotionally and spiritually succumbed to the cancer. I don't know any more. I go to work, clean my apartment, I do the things people do - but I'm hollow inside. I'm missing something and I don't know what it is. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm a lot of things.... What I'm not is the old me. I miss the old me... I hope I come back webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-14T11:08:08-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/141810192.html Cancer text ashlee, the medical assistant who took my stool samples - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/141461402.html You are very cute - love that teeny little nose piercing - but the circumstances of our meeting were admittedly a bit awkward. I was beyond sick, so sick the doctor was giving me cipro, and I had to drop off stool samples to you. I am sure those samples revealed a man of strong body, fighting off the fiercest intestinal parasites. I know, I know, when travelling abroad, DO NOT DRINK THE WATER! I get it now. But I have fully recovered. On the plus side, I'm ten pounds lighter and looking great. The Parasite Weight Loss Plan. Perhaps dinner to show off pictures of my world travels? American cuisine only for now. I hope you understand. webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-13T09:46:38-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/141461402.html ashlee, the medical assistant who took my stool samples - m4w text Increasingly attractive woman - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/108415870.html Dear increasingly attractive woman: I came very close to making a pass at you today. While I have not been attracted to you for the majority of time I've known you, I find myself desiring you more and more the longer I go without any sex or female companionship. Your annoying habits are easier to ignore, your odd features seem to blur, and your shitty attitude more closely matches my air of pathetic desparation. Let's face it: neither one of us is really a catch right now. "Nearby" and "available" are really the only qualities we have to offer anyone, so why not just admit it and give in to the first guy who comes along- me. I assure you, my darling, right now I am halfway seething with mildly erotic desire for you. I fantasize about taking you in my arms, pulling your body close to mine, and whispering in your ear, "You'll do for now." Think of the hours upon hours of vaguely satisfying sexual activities we could engage in! Think of the amazing substances we'll ingest in a failed attempt to drive off feelings of dissapointment and resignation! Think of all the magnificently sexy people we'll imagine we're with! (full disclosure: I'll be thinking about some of your friends) I honestly believe it could be the greatest relationship either one of us has ever settled for. Though I missed my chance with you today, I am certain we will be together someday, my momentarily acceptable love bunny. Probably when I'm drunk. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-02T15:02:07-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/108415870.html Increasingly attractive woman - m4w text Are these yours? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/106184551.html I had a beautiful Russian woman in my bed this weekend. In her haste to leave, she left these two bobby pins behind. If you know the woman who these belong to tell her to contact me so she can come pick them up? but maybe she wanted to leave them here so she had an excuse to see me again? <img src=106184551.jpg> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-23T21:40:32-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/106184551.html Are these yours? text Strange man, please don't have sex in my basement again. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/104702412.html I suppose it's partly my fault right? I chose to move here. Well, I apologize for living in a duplex and therefore having to share the basement laundry with your sister who is a tenant upstairs. I would much prefer to have my own space for washing my clothes, and in fact I will next month when I move. Until then, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from fucking your girlfriend on my basement floor. I don't ask for much, I keep to myself, I just want some clean clothes to wear, and to do that, I must go into the basement. The next time you and your lady friend visit your sister, do the polite thing and keep all sexual desires to yourself, or at least keep them in the guest room. Don't you realize I could've been one of your five nieces or nephews coming down the stairs? Come on, our encounter was plenty akward, but that would have been much, much worse. Think of the kids friend, and don't have sex in the basement. Plus, to be honest, the basement is just really gross. It has a grotty cement floor and no ceiling. Dude, it's straight out of Blair Witch. Doesn't your lady deserve something a bit more romantic? I suppose not since she seems to favor rather unorthodox sexual postitions. And one more thing, please don't continue to apologize whenever I run into you outside. I would really just prefer to forget about the whole incident. I am moving at the end of the month (partly due to your antics), so for the next two weeks try real hard to refrain from having sex in my basement or apologizing yet again for the aforementioned incident. Oh and if you must do it, try not to have sex on the couch that I am storing down there. I really didn't appreciate that either. Thanks. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-17T12:13:38-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/104702412.html Strange man, please don't have sex in my basement again. text To the Large Spider http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/93134149.html Its not you, its me. Really. Now would you just listen? Dont get all pouty on me. Dont go ducking into your little nest where I cant see you. You know that freaks me out. Come out here and look at me when Im talking to you. Dammit. I know weve been living together for awhile now. OK, actually I didnt know that until yesterday when I discovered your elaborate nest all throughout the mini-blinds. But obviously you are now well-established in my apartment. Unbeknownst to me, weve shared some good times Ill admit it does comfort me to know that when I was rolling on the floor with laughter watching the blooper reel from The Office I was not alone. And all those times I had just a tiny drink you were there! Surely youve enjoyed my penchant for pantslessness and I hope you had fun watching me clean house to The Faint. All in all, youve been a very reasonable housemate and I thank you for that. But Im going to have to ask you to leave. I know, I know this catches you off guard. I know its a bad time for you, with the outside getting a little chilly at night. Im sorry, I really am. But this has got to stop. Sure, I looked the other way when your little friends started coming over to stay. But when I would turn on the light in the middle of the night to find them sprawled on my kitchen floor thats just not cool. Maybe theyre fine upstanding spiders. Maybe they keep a clean web and dont mean any harm. But I dont know them. What if they start coming into my room at night? Jesus H. I dont even want to think about it. So Ive had to put my foot down. Not literally. Dont freak out on me, now. You know I wouldnt do that. But Ive been politely escorting them from the premises. For awhile I almost considered letting you stay. I dont use the room. We could co-exist peaceably as long as you stayed away from my Newcastle. But Ive got a new roommate moving in and Im pretty sure shes not going to want a strange spider living in her room. And believe me, I know the first place youd head if she kicked you out. Dont even think about it. Im not that kind of girl. Argh. You men are all alike. (To be fair, Im not really sure that youre a male. But really, in my mind all spiders are maleeven the ones lugging around the egg sacks. Theyre just being helpful and taking the kids out to give the mythical female spider some time to herself.) Id prefer if we can handle this like two civilized beings. Also, you are extremely large, and Im not sure I could get you in the tupperware before you escaped into the fortress you have built for yourself. There is long list of things I would rather do than poke around in a spider nest for a huge fucking spider. I really hope that we can be friends after all this. Honestly. I care about you. (And I dont want you sending your little friends around to harass me.) But friends dont live in my mini-blinds. So please, you know where the door is. Just go. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-08-24T13:36:53-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/93134149.html To the Large Spider text Dear Visiting Attorney http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/91929281.html Here at the law firm, life can get pretty monotonous. Day-in, day-out nothing for us office minions to do but have inappropriate email conversations with people sitting three feet away, develop addictions for the sole purpose of having an excuse to leave the office (coffee, nicotine, sex), and of course, scan craigslist for free stuff and lost loves. So when a visiting attorney comes to spend a few days with us, we perk up a bit. After all, heres someone who cant fire us. And in your case, someone whos pretty damn good looking. Especially on Fridays. Oh how I love your jeans. But this post isnt about me. Its about you and your behavior toward a certain copy girl. I guess the life of an out-of-towner must be kind of rough. The only times you come here are when there are shit-loads of work to do. The only people you have to socialize with are the people you spend unhappy hours mired in said loads of shit. But you're young. You're cool. You rise above the typical isolation of the out-of-towners. You make friends with the staff. Like me. And the lovely copy girl. And after you'd been away for months, you complimented me on my haircut! But this isn't about me. Or you in those goddamn jeans. So you and the copy girl chat a lot. She's cool. You're cool. You're both pretty hot. You're married. With a new little baby that's supercute. And you want to go out for drinks with the lovely copy girl. Why not? You're bored and don't know many people in town. You apparently aren't aware of the possibilities of trolling for anonymous ass on craigslist (or haven't yet stooped to that level). You-copy girl-drinks. It's on! But then, in casual conversation, the copy girl mentions her boyfriend. You're visibly surprised (here's a hint -- stick to the desk and out of the courtroom with that poker face). Copy Girl is a little confused by your reaction. After all. You're married. With a supercute new kid, remember? Surely you couldn't have been... wanting something more... than a few drinks and something to do with your boring nights in town? But, yes, clearly you were wanting something more. Because now all mention of drinks has dried up. In fact, all conversation has dried up. Copy Girl is shocked! And appalled! And disappointed! But I saw it coming. I knew what was on your dirty married mind. Alas, Visiting Attorney, your trolling for ass IS shocking and appalling. Fuck. I just wish you would have asked me. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-08-18T15:31:33-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/91929281.html Dear Visiting Attorney text OMG Pro-lifers need to shut the fuck up http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/86638741.html So I was walking through campus the other day and there were some kids holding posters in support of Roe V. Wade. 'Bravo,' I thought, as I walked by. Then out of the corner of my ear I heard mockery of the activists in the form of Im bored, hey! We should go get abortions this afternoon! That would be fun! which came from one male pro-life student to another. Now, I know, Im preaching to the choir here, but the abortion debate is quite a bit more complex than baby-killing versus choice. If it were that simple, I dont believe that the battle over the issue would have been dragged on for this long. And, so, Im curious as to why the argument, on both sides, has been driven to simplicity. In case there are a few dip-shits out there reading this, Im going to go through this comprehensively so as to, perhaps, enhance the debate within the minds of a few. First and foremost: not a single person on Earth desires an abortion. In this case desire is not interchangeable with demand. Women do not want abortions the way they may want a new car, a warm home, or in the case of my girlfriend: a new pair of shoes. Goods, services, and subsequent industries begin with demand; supply is purely reactionary. In the case of abortion, the legality of the practice is completely arbitrary. Meaning: demand is unaffected by the governments administration over the industry sector. If we create a typical profile of a woman that chooses to undergo the procedure, we paint the picture of someone that is 1) young, 2) lower to mid-middle class, 3) uneducated, 4) a minority and 5) living under social constraints that render un-wed motherhood completely unacceptable. This may be a generalization, but for the purposes of this experiment, were going to the peak of the bell curve. When you think about this, it makes sense. In the animal kingdom, the only reasons a mother abandons her young are 1) the creature is too weak or disabled to keep up and 2) theres not enough food/resources for the mother to survive and sustain her child. How then, can the demand for Abortions be addressed and quelled? Also, how do the policies of pro-life proponents address these problems? Lets just shoot down the list. Well use a median-voting pro-life individual to identify the problems with thinking about this problem too simplistically. That individual is: a republican, because lets face it, if youre die-hard pro-life, youre a fucking republican. Since youth isnt a variable thats easy to change (and also not a very good reason to get an abortion) well exclude it from the argument. 1) The person is poor. They cannot afford to sustain themselves and a child without adversely affecting the quality of their already shitty lives. The pro-choice left seeks to offer the lower class tax breaks and transfer payments from the upper class. The left increases funding to social welfare programs and public assistance. Republicans burden the poor with taxes while passing tax cuts to the wealthy. Welfare programs are eliminated. 2) The person is uneducated. They arent aware of birth-control options that are at their disposal. They are unskilled laborers and therefore have little to no potential to make-it. The left seeks to educate high-school students over birth control, offer birth control to teens, and make plan-B available without a prescription. The left supports education by increasing funding to schools. Republicans tend toward the opposite. Children are, with a degree of futility, taught to wait until marriage and are fed mis-information that claims birth control can lead to infertility. Public education programs are cut, creating more working class individuals while manufacturing jobs are exported to exploitable regions of the world. 3) The birth is unsupported by friends and family. Meaning the abortion seeker is afraid of alienating themselves from their friends and family, school and workplace, and their entire community. Leftists offer support centers and their families tend to be much more accepting. Right wing nuts threaten the woman with the wrath of god, disown her, or send her to a hospital where the child and mother are nurtured in a concealed and unfit environment. 4) The individual is a minority. Not a lot you can do about this one. However, I wish to point out that pro-life billboards preach that adoption is a viable alternative and that millions of loving couples are waiting to adopt. Here is the problem with the millions of couples that are waiting to adopt: theyre fucking racists. Millions of couples are waiting to adopt white babies while the baby market is flooded with brown ones. Recently, its been brought to the publics attention that those children are being adopted by foreigners from Canada and Europe. Legislation is being introduced, by republicans, that will prevent those unwanted babies from leaving to other countries, where they are wanted, because they were born in America and should stay in America. Pro-life republicans, while they claim to oppose abortion, create the very environment in which demand for the practice thrives. Pro-choice democrats seek to create an environment in which no one needs an abortion in the first place, while ensuring the practice is safe, sanitary, and performed by a licensed medical practitioner as we, as a society, are still in a transitional period. By eliminating the demand for abortion, practitioners will lose the ability to practice. The supply will cease to exist and the clinic will close. Which seems much more civil than blowing it up or shooting some doctors. People are, in general, pretty fucking stupid. They are, however, programmed to survive. If a woman becomes pregnant, and that pregnancy threatens her economic, social, or political survival, she will resolve her problem by all means at her disposal. The legality of abortion is therefore not the issue and all of you conveniently Christian conservatives that lack the devotion to help the sick and poor should shut your fucking mouths. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-07-24T17:18:02-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/86638741.html OMG Pro-lifers need to shut the fuck up text money talks http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/81395882.html I come back from camping and fishing to this: The high court's unanimous decision against the providers of the software behind the Grokster and Morpheus networks, distributed by Streamcast Networks, means that companies that intentionally encourage copyright infringement can be held liable. Whatever, man. This shit makes me want to go Fight Club on corporations and return the creative power of the world to the people - where it belongs. This is ridiculous in so many ways. First, the entertainment complex can't seem to create anything that isn't based on something already produced, film, print, or music. Their entire industry is built upon this infringement they claim so loudly to be a stain upon America's morality. Second, I can't believe that stupid argument still works! The manufacturer does NOT force anyone to do anything! If I use, say, a Yozuri plug to poach a bass, does that make Yozuri liable for making explosive top-water action so freakin' awesome and attractive? NO! I was the one who broke the law, not Yozuri! (Sorry for the fishing reference, but I really want to stop thinking about this stuff and get back on the water.) I hate that a few million dollars is all it takes to cut the populace out of common sense rights. Of course, this means nothing as the genie has been out of the bottle ever since computers started talking to each other. It's the principle of the matter. Even though this isn't a discussion board, I'm sure a couple of morons will hop all over this. Let me spare you the trouble: 1) The Guy Who Has The World Figured Out And Can't Wait To Give Us The Morality Switch On Our Hedonistic Heinies, Even Though He Completely Misses The Point News flash: that's the way it works, man. The record companies have to make money, too. You robbing them of revenue doesn't help anything. If you don't like it, remember that no one is "forcing" you to "listen" to music. You don't "have" to do anything. Grow up, douchebag. 2) The Personal Responsibility Lady look, idiot, you're fucking STEALING!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S YOUR FAULT! I BUY all my CDs from reputable stores. I NEVER NEVER NEVER buy any used CDs because it TAKES MONEY AWAY FROM THE ARTIST! Except for that time I went to Cheapo as part of a bachelorette party and tried to trade some beads for a Frampton CD. BUT THAT WAS IT! 3) The Guy Who Is Apparently From The Phillippines, But Posting On Minneapolis CL omfg thatz cr8z!!!! wtf?? nelly rox hollaz i dld th@ sh!t seng ot 4) The Good Point Fella Who Gets Shot Down For Spelling And Grammar I totally no this sux but what can u do? I gess I see they're point because sometimes artists are NOT on big lables and downlodeing music isnt cool because they need munni 2. i personally think that for me i will keep using itunes for some stuff but go to cd sotres for other music thats indiependant so i can support those bands that need money but i will also go to they're shows cuz i dig live music and i herd thats where alot of smaller lable bands make they're cash. 5) The Guy Who's Angry At Minnesota HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MINISOTTTAAAA SSUCCCCKKSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 YOU'RE ALL FAGGOTS WHO STEAL MUSIC!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL L8R LEWZERX! 6) Miss Personal How dare you accuse me of breaking any such laws? I have never done any such thing and always been very supportive of people who make money from their music. My dad is a musician. He has cancer. Do you think he appreciates not making money because you have an iPod? I have an iPod, too, but my iPod is full of good music THAT I PAID FOR SO I DON'T GET CANCER FROM STEALING MUSIC LIKE MY FATHER THE BANJOIST! 7) The Guy Who Uses thesaurus.com To Sound Smart But Fails Miserably While I sympathize with your tremendous situation superior the accompaniments of the prevailing legislative failures of our parliament, I would behoove optimistisms that your eloquence upon the royal household be spared as now it is the law of the land and I gormadized another Hershey's ingot because I was carnivorous for it and now my appetance is full with felicity and gusto and another day of upbeat. 8) The Yosemite Sam Mudflap Patriot Get the fuck outta my country, you communist Osama Bin Down-laden piece of trash. I didn't git Gulf War Syndrome just so's you could git the latest Britney "I'm a whore" Spears album. They should round up all y'all and make you into traitor-kabobs but without pineapples because I taint ever trusted no meat with fruit, fella. And so forth. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-06-28T11:49:30-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/81395882.html money talks text Haunted toaster http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/81332007.html Free white toaster that I think is haunted. My husband got it when his friend died, and I think his friend decided to hang around. His friend doesn't really like me, and likes to burn the toast. I got a new toaster, so I want to get rid of this one. If nobody wants it, though, I'm going to drop it off the roof. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-06-28T01:48:34-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/81332007.html Haunted toaster text Fast-food workers: The undead http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/78978927.html Is there a reason the brain ceases to function when it's encased in the skull of a drone hired for labor in a fast-food establishment? No one would suggest these lads and lassies should be captains of industry and atop every bit of minutia around the fryer, but is it too much to ask for at least a Forrest-Gumpian dedication to see the order through to its successful completion? Why, when I order a Grilled Stuffed Steak Burrito, do I often discover a doughy, unpalatable Chalupa in the bag? At 2:30 a.m., after 18 minutes in the drive-thru, when I slur to the White Castle fellow, with enthusiasm and my signature politeness, "...and LOTS of ketchup," why does "LOTS of ketchup" translate in the undead's mind to "NO ketchup, bee-atch"? When I order 6 Beef 'n' Cheddars and 2 Regular Roast Beefs, is there a reason the 2 Regular Roast Beefs are omitted from the order? 6 + 2 = 6. Must I treat the worker like a schoolboy and search the bag each time? Big, fat, awkward silence as I, the principal, rifle through, while the rest of the impatient grease eaters burn holes in me with their stares? Today, I zipped into the local Chinese joint on the way home. There was one table of diners, so the crew HAD to be on top of things. But I immediately became wary when I caught the inanimate gaze of the counter girl, followed by the equally torpid voice: "Can I help you?" There was wooden movement of the laboratory kind, but nothing to suggest the presence of a human brain. Nonetheless, I pressed on. "One order of sesame chicken, and one order of chicken fried rice." I stepped aside with the efficient shuffle I've always planned to use if I ever visit the real Soup Nazi. The counter girl wrote down the order. Chicken/chicken. What could possibly go wrong? She disappeared into the kitchen. At home, my hard-working girlfriend awaited. I imagined the reception I'd get when I strode through the door; she likes my sad-sack delivery of sesame chicken slightly more than she'd enjoy an icy Cosmo served on a desert island by lone other strandee Colin Farrell wearing straw boxers. A little sesame chicken, and then, if I was lucky, a little reward mogambo. Mere minutes later, a different girl emerged from the kitchen, holding the goods. I unhinged somewhat, because she looked just like a larger version of Counter Girl #1. I scanned her torso to search for squirming, angular bulges, but saw none. "That's $11.12," she said. No sign of brio. I paid and left. At home, the little woman's eyes positively dripped lust when she saw me come in with the bag. All I had to do now was gnaw down some chicken fried rice with an occasional happy grunt while she devoured the sesame chicken, then enjoy me reward. There'd be no need for any witty conversation, mateys. Yaaaaaaaaaargh! My little love tart laid out the stuff. Chicken fried rice, white rice, bean sprouts, sesame-chicken sauce, soy sauce, and fortune cookies. Out of nowhere came a look of concern to her loveliness. "Where's the chicken?" Mr. Willy slumped towards the equator. Is there some magic to adding the chicken to an order of sesame chicken? I don't recall ordering "Sesame." Not that they'd got that part right, either. When I went back, the place was empty. It had been maybe 12 minutes since I'd left. Big doppelganger looked at me from behind the counter. I saw no signs of recognition whatsoever--first time she'd seen me in her life. I had to look at her and say, "I-was-just-in-and-ordered-some-sesame-chicken-but-you-forgot-the-chicken" in my most mechanical voice. When in Rome, and all. She pawed through some bags and produced the new sesame chicken. No bonus egg roll or fortune cookie. No coupon for a free chickenless sesame chicken. No happy, contrite smile. Some spit, maybe. I turned to leave. I expected no apology, because young people today have been trained away from the common niceties such as "please" or "thanks" since guns are available. I haven't heard "I'm sorry" from anybody under 30 since the 80s. "Sorry about that." Whoa! Human after all. There goes my theory. Mr. Willy tingled. I got back home. The world was good again. The new sesame chicken box contained little nuggets of fried chicken. No sesame. No essence of sesame. No sesame had been harmed in the making of the replacement sesame chicken. I think I saw a tiny wisp of steam come out of my little love muffin's ears. You never notice how flavorless bad chicken fried rice is until the prospect of naked fondling is sucked out of it. I forced down the last dry grains. My little love strudel chewed her sesameless chicken with her mouth open. Deep in a pair of whitey tighteys, Mr. Willy donned his jammies. Millions of fast-food workers soldiered on. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-06-15T11:06:37-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/78978927.html Fast-food workers: The undead text A girls random dating thoughts.... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/76929993.html Sometimes, when I get bored in the rnr section, I check out men seeking women (Cause Im pretty sure one of these times, Mr. Right will magically appear.) Disclaimer: I dont read what the women seeking men post, and Im SURE its just as bad, so Im not TOTALLY calling just the guys dorks. But I gotta ask, when looking for a date/mate, do you READ what youve written before you actually post it?!?! Dudes: 1. Posting your pic with your X scratched out bad. Very, very bad. Either DELETE that half of the picture or dont post it. We dont like picturing what a potential mate looked like with his old one. And it's pretty cheesy. 2. If youre too embarrassed to post your pic without blurring your face, dont bother. First, get a backbone, THEN come back to CL. 3. Try getting a buddy to take your pic for you. It makes you look desperate AND lonely of you take it yourself, and it's better if we can see more then just your nipples up. The following are EXACT quotes: I am not a hilly belly Shit!! Thats exactly the kinda guy I was looking for!! I see the married state as a hellishly dangerous and frightening state. It scares me to death. Lovely. A chick NOT looking for a relationship is scared of this guy. Why is he bothering to post? And like anyone would REALLY answer??? I know that many women love to watch a man pleasure himself Uhhhhh, not really. Its like filling up the gas tank or mowing the lawn All girls know guys do it, but trust me; we dont usually want to be a part of it. Hit me up and maybe I will send you a picture. MAYBE!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?!?! YOU send a picture FIRST buddy!!! Youre the one looking for a date. Butt-tard. height weight proportionate To what: A building? An elephant? The moon? Nice p.c. way of saying you're probably a fat ass. I used to be a nice guy. Great!! Now what? Youre an asshole? Perfect - Im a bitch!! I like having drinks or puffing and then having some drinks. Super! Then can I introduce you to my mom? Ive heard not merely complements, but bold and insistent ones about my handsomeness Wow. Bold AND insistent? Riiiight. Thats why youre posting on a message board!! You must be super-smart too!! I Just moved here from Southern Florida A Minnesota chick does not want you. You wont be staying. Seeking an intelligent woman Really?? Not a dumb one? Well, I'll be damned a woman who can understand the benefits of 'owning a man Women like to own: homes, cars, nice clothes, lots o shoes, diamonds & jewels, but we like our MEN to be MEN. Know what you want. Finally, Hey, Cheese dude - make yourself known!! webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-06-04T02:13:52-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/76929993.html A girls random dating thoughts.... text breakdancing http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/64602552.html I would like to learn how to breakdance. Right now I can turn my arm into a robot, but that's limit of my skillz. I figure my chances of getting phone numbers will increase by at least 38% after I spin about on my head in front of cute girls. In exchange for teaching this 27 year old the art of serving phony rappers, I'm willing to teach you calculus, give you a primer on organic chemistry, discuss the inconsistencies between the visible size of the known universe and the speed of light, fix any and all computer problems you have, edit your video, download TV shows/movies/music for you, setup all of your AV systems, show you the fastest way to beat The Legend of Zelda:Ocarina of Time, take care of your pets, lie to your parents, make you good things to eat, manufacture and burn Bush effigies, test your mail for anthrax, take you grocery shopping, buy booze for you, stalk your ex-lovers, babysit your kids while you juggle your career in corporate law and your love life, and do bad impressions of David Brent. Please teach me how to breakdance. this is in or around Minneapolis webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-20T08:57:21-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/64602552.html breakdancing text 1973 Average Johnson http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/45837778.html I have a vintage 1973 Average Johnson which was manufactured by the Great American Penis (GAPno affiliation with the similarly-named clothing stores) Corporation. I am able to supply documentation to support the age of this Johnson, though there is no visible JIN (Johnson Identification Number) on the organ itself; so, unfortunately, a CockFax® report will not be available to prospective drivers. This Johnson has been maintained by a single owner, who has also been its primary driver. There have been three other drivers of this Johnson at various times, all of them within the past five years, and all of them female. (The most recent of these merely took it for a test drive, and although pleased with its performance, she elected not to continue with its use secondary to geographic concerns.) Each of these drivers has also been a passenger at some point, and they all expressed satisfaction in the ride of this Johnson. (Say what you like about women drivers, some of them are actually quite skilled in maneuvering an authentic Johnson, given that chance.) The original ragtop was displaced shortly after production; however, this Johnson can be (and has been) successfully fitted with a number of synthetic covers for protection from the elements as well as ride comfort and a variety of vaginodynamic effects. There are no other cosmetic defects; it is otherwise unmodified and has the typical dimensional variability one would expect from an Average Johnson. It retains its original color: Classic Caucasian Clearcoat. All things considered, this Johnson is actually in near-mint condition. I am currently seeking to place this Johnson with another driver/passenger, preferably another female. Prior familiarity with this type of equipment is desired but not necessary, as I will be present for any test drives/rides and will be able to provide training and/or feedback, as necessary. Note: Except for the lack of original cover, this is a stock Johnson and not technically a hot rod (though the differences in appearance are minimal) and is therefore inappropriate for speed trials! Regardless, this Johnson has been well maintained is able to faithfully perform on a variety of terrain and under various environmental conditions. I am able to supply photos of the owner with or without the Johnson for evaluation purposes, as I assume any prospective new driver(s)/rider(s) might wish to know more about the man who has taken care of this classic piece of equipment and how it has been maintained. Photos of the Average Johnson itself may be made available at the owners discretion. Prospective pilots or passengers should submit a description of any prior Johnson experience as well as their attributes which they feel would make them suitable operators of this vehicle. They may also wish to submit samples of qualities they seek in a Johnson owner, becauseas previously statedI will be present for any inspections/tests of this conveyance. (As far as I am aware, no specific license is required to operate this Johnson, though applicants should preferably be of legal age for alcohol consumption; in fact, moderate consumption of adult beverages may have a positive effect on overall performance.) Responses with photos may receive priority. Concerns, general questions, and other inquiries are welcome. This is in or around Minneapolis. Its not ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests, so dont do it! webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-10-17T04:00:46-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/45837778.html 1973 Average Johnson text